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Kielo

Bio •Depression, anxiety, C-PTSD *Feel free to DM if you want to talk 👣Join me on my daily journey of mental health’s ups and downs Anonymous questions⤵️

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image by Kielo (@on.a.journey.to.recovery) with caption : "Currently me...I’ve had such a mixed day with my mood. I have therapy again tomorrow which I’ve been looking forward to " - 1786054010861862516
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Currently me...I’ve had such a mixed day with my mood. I have therapy again tomorrow which I’ve been looking forward to since last session ended. It seems I can’t ever get enough therapy. Probably because of how much of a mess I am. Anyways, my face feels like it’s in a permanent angry state. My muscles are are completely clenched to the point that I cannot open my mouth to speak because of how tight my jaw is clenched. This is honestly preferred though because I have a difficult time interacting with people and communicating when I’m in a depressive wave. Everything makes me so irritable and I sometimes lash out at others for small things. The best thing is to stay inside my body and just do my best to function with the rest of society. This doesn’t always work though because of that alone time being a reason to listen to your thoughts and start believing them. I’m just managing, which is okay, but my ultimate goal is to thrive. I don’t want to be like this forever. I want to be able to articulate my feelings and actually feel better. So, as of now, I really don’t know how I feel because I can’t just isolate one emotion. There’s way too many things to deal with and feelings that are building off of each other. Are you in the same boat of being overwhelmed with emotions? I’m doing the only thing I can do, wait till this depressive episode passes so I can go back to interpreting how I feel and it not being so difficult. - - - -

image by Kielo (@on.a.journey.to.recovery) with caption : "-Artist: @bymariandrew -
Sometimes I feel like the front I put on is way too good. The person I put out for the world to" - 1785383061187691372
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-Artist: @bymariandrew - Sometimes I feel like the front I put on is way too good. The person I put out for the world to see is so staged and perfect that not even my therapist can tell how bad things really are. This happened at my most recent therapy and it was surprising. I kept describing how I was feeling and I was having some difficulty putting feelings to words. Usually my therapist is great at understanding what I mean and she helps guide me. This time she took what I said and went off in a different direction. I was taken aback because then I had to re-explain. This went on several more times before I gave up and went with the phrase “I just feel terrible.” It’s as if she couldn’t see the pain on my face or how tense my muscles were. I thought she could. I really wonder if I’m getting too good at hiding everything externally and becoming unreadable. I don’t want that to be true. I want to be doing the opposite and be more transparent. I guess now I know of something else I want to work on. Has this ever happened to you? How have you managed to become more transparent and not so walled off from everyone else? - - - -

image by Kielo (@on.a.journey.to.recovery) with caption : "I’m still getting progressively worse with how I feel. Depression is completely trashing my mind. I had therapy today wh" - 1784594066944664247
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I’m still getting progressively worse with how I feel. Depression is completely trashing my mind. I had therapy today which was wonderful and I talked out all that I had been holding in for a week and a half. It was quite a lot actually, we didn’t stop talking for more than a few seconds. The topics we talked about weren’t too emotionally evoking, but I still started crying a few times. I know when that happens, I’m completely overwhelmed. I got home and still wanted to cry, but my subconscious self had already put up walls to my emotions in attempt to stop the vulnerability from continuing. It’s just been a lot...I feel horrible. My self image is trash and I feel worthless. It’s to the point where my therapist is getting concerned again and suggesting I see the psychiatrist a second time to discuss meds. I’d love to since I want to feel better, but there’s some circumstances preventing that. This whole situation is frustrating and today especially has been hell. I made it through though so I’ll give tomorrow another chance. - - - -

image by Kielo (@on.a.journey.to.recovery) with caption : "-Artist: @littlearthlings - 
I’ve been having such a terrible time accepting myself especially this week. Physically, I " - 1783822086705595827
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-Artist: @littlearthlings - I’ve been having such a terrible time accepting myself especially this week. Physically, I hate every cell that makes up my being. I hate that my mental and physical health are not great. I hate that my body harbors chronic illnesses inside of it. I wish it wasn’t this way, but my body is my transport and it’s beautiful. I need to realize that for myself. I spend so much time hating it and wanting to change it that I forget all it does for me. I don’t want to hate it, but I do...day after day. I keep fighting the automatic negative thoughts and try to replace them with positivity. It doesn’t always help though. Sometimes I feel worse. This journey to self love is a much bigger process than I ever imagined. Thank you for reading...I just needed to rant for a minute. - - - -

image by Kielo (@on.a.journey.to.recovery) with caption : "If you’ve never experienced this before, it’s a sort of complicated state to explain, but I will try. When I get depress" - 1783095181392057977
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If you’ve never experienced this before, it’s a sort of complicated state to explain, but I will try. When I get depressed, anger often accompanies it. I feel so full of rage that I become irritable with quite literally anyone and anything. My nerves feel like they’re exposed and I seem to be hypersensitive to all of my surroundings. All of my senses to into overload and then everything just goes into background noise. I dissociate and depersonalize. The amount of time this happens for is very unpredictable, but the moments leading up to it are agonizing. The overwhelming of sound bug me the most. I just want silence and to be alone from everything since anything could potentially irritate me more. I don’t know if this is a symptom of PTSD for sure, but I think it’s related to sensory overloads so it would make sense that it has something to do with anxiety. Depression seems to make it 10x worse and I can’t do anything until that tension of being hypersensitive to everything is released. It’s really difficult to function when my system gets like this. I usually don’t do much. I chose isolation today which was very helpful in keeping my anger from going outward. I sat by a window and read for most of the day. It was quite nice despite all that was going on in my mind. Do you experience something similar to this? If so, how do you manage? - - - -

image by Kielo (@on.a.journey.to.recovery) with caption : "Today sucks. Right now is horrible. My mind won’t quiet for even a few seconds. There’s this sadness in my heart and lun" - 1782354344932731250
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Today sucks. Right now is horrible. My mind won’t quiet for even a few seconds. There’s this sadness in my heart and lungs that aches to come out, but I don’t know what it’s from or how to release it. I feel so disconnected from myself that I don’t know who I am. I feel so destructive right now and the fact that I don’t feel connected to myself isn’t helping. It’s like if I self harm, there won’t be any consequences because it’s not me. I’m both numb and I’m so much pain simultaneously and I don’t know how to handle this. I’ve done grounding, I’m speaking verbal positivity to myself, I’m pacing and distracting myself, but my mind is working too fast for anything else to catch up. I just want to disappear out of my surroundings until I feel okay again. Bad days like this are bound to happen. I’m getting them less frequently, but they’re also hitting much harder. I feel completely debilitated. I’m going to try and sleep and see if that helps. - - - -

image by Kielo (@on.a.journey.to.recovery) with caption : "I got hit really hard today with dissociation and depression. I woke up from a much needed nap to completely being confu" - 1781655286239560674
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I got hit really hard today with dissociation and depression. I woke up from a much needed nap to completely being confused of my surroundings. This is somewhat of a normal occurrence, but then when I started to walk around and get things done...I didn’t feel right. I started to feel really disconnected from myself and my energy was completely zapped even after a nap and fueling my body with food. I started to experience that familiar depression feeling of worthlessness and self hate. I tried to talk back to the negative thoughts that kept popping up, but it all became so much that it was easier to just let them intrude and try to ignore them. I feel so powerless against depression these days. When it hits, it hits hard and there’s no relief until it decides its done enough damage. I haven’t had therapy all of this week because I’ve been exploring my new city and I desperately need to see my therapist. I just want to hand her all of the crap I’m dealing with and have her organize it for me. It frustrates me that I can’t help myself and that I’m so dependent on her for keeping my mind straight, but I’m just going to have to come to terms with that because she really has helped a ton. I hope I feel better than this after my next session on Monday. - - - -

image by Kielo (@on.a.journey.to.recovery) with caption : "It’s interesting how I can look at another human and admire everything about them. How wonderful they are architecturall" - 1780954002754787405
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It’s interesting how I can look at another human and admire everything about them. How wonderful they are architecturally. I don’t see “imperfections” on others. I only seem to see them on myself: I don’t see what some people say are my good qualities. My eyes go straight to the acne and shape of my thighs. I keep putting self love and self care practices in place, but I don’t seem to be getting anywhere in that process. I want to learn to love my body and see only beauty. I feel so defeated and honestly the self hate is seeming to grow. Deep down I know these aren’t imperfections at all, just things our body does as if changes that the beauty industry has told us is a flaw. I just don’t like to see these things on me because I don’t like myself as a whole. I know there are a ton of people struggling with self image and I also know there’s a huge community of body positive people. If you have the time and you’ve gotten to the point where you’re comfortable with yourself, I would love it if you could comment of how to get there. I don’t want to hate myself any longer, but it seems my brain likes this routine. - - - -

image by Kielo (@on.a.journey.to.recovery) with caption : "It’s been a very draining day. I’m visiting the new city I’ll be moving to and as I’m trying to get a sense of all the p" - 1780226878020273343
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It’s been a very draining day. I’m visiting the new city I’ll be moving to and as I’m trying to get a sense of all the people and places, I’m in fear of everything. I’m out of my regular routine of analyzing my surroundings. I don’t feel like I can defend myself as well as if I were in my normal location. I prepare for any potential threat every second that I’m out of my hotel room and it’s causing me to exert so much energy. I wish I could enjoy my new city...all I feel is anxiety, depression, and fear. I’m so stressed out about everything and I can’t calm myself down even using my usual techniques. I catch myself over analyzing every facial expression and act of body language. I’m so on edge that I find myself pacing or shaking regularly. I’m just not doing so well. I know I’ll adjust and it’ll all work out, but as I’m out of my routine and establishing a new one, I’m having a tough time. I just wanted to be real about that for a minute. These are the after effects of abuse and they’re not fun. - - - -

image by Kielo (@on.a.journey.to.recovery) with caption : "I have so many emotional flashbacks these days. They’re completely draining and I wish there was a word stronger than ha" - 1779491840773531129
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I have so many emotional flashbacks these days. They’re completely draining and I wish there was a word stronger than hate to describe my relationship with them. The worst thing is having to disguise them in public places. Sometimes I’ll be in the middle of class, experience one and have no safe place to let out the necessary emotions. Those feelings build up inside and for me, usually end up being released in the form of a panic attack. It’s very difficult to describe what it’s like to experience one if you’ve never had it. The best way I can explain how it is for me is: overwhelming fear. I get transported back into a traumatic moment and feel every single emotion that I experienced at that time. It’s terrifying and not many people can even comprehend what that’s like let alone offer to help if you’re struggling. Another not fun thing that trauma causes... - - - -

image by Kielo (@on.a.journey.to.recovery) with caption : "I’m just gonna put this right here. Trauma has made me stone-faced and cold hearted towards humanity. I’m trying with al" - 1778764277222539186
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I’m just gonna put this right here. Trauma has made me stone-faced and cold hearted towards humanity. I’m trying with all my might to re-learn vulnerability and how to be gentle. My automatic reactions are to lash out when touched or mocked and I’m quick to defend myself for anything I could potentially be blamed for. Trauma has changed me. If you didn’t know me and just saw my actions, you’d probably be scared of me and avoid contact. I don’t want to be known for that. I want to be kind, calm, and loving. I want my resting face to be a smile rather than stored anger. I wanted to share this because it’s so important for these kinds of reactions to trauma to also have visibility. People like this still deserve the love and help you would give anyone else, they’re just harder to talk to initially. If you know someone like this, try and reach out. Personally, it takes a few times of people offering their services of help in order for me to even consider it. Be persistent, but careful to not be irritating and you’ll get somewhere. If you’re like this yourself, consider taking the help that’s offered. Put yourself out there a bit and see that not everyone in the world is out to hurt you. It’s really not as bad as your experiences make you think it is...It’ll be okay❤️ - - - -

image by Kielo (@on.a.journey.to.recovery) with caption : "My pain will end. One day I’ll look back and I’ll see what all do this was for. I believe my experiences are meant to pr" - 1778121398590513002
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My pain will end. One day I’ll look back and I’ll see what all do this was for. I believe my experiences are meant to prepare me for something great in life. That’s how I’ve chosen to look at my past. Sometimes I get too caught up in wishing for that future to be now that I forget to live in the present. I stop thinking of what coping mechanisms to put in place ahead of time in case I need them. I end up completely falling apart from seemingly simple situations. Sometimes I’ll feel the urge to break down and cry in the middle of the grocery store or another public place where it’s not societally appropriate. It’s all so much to deal with...trying to live with the memories and things that I don’t believe should effect me anymore, but do. I’m my own worse enemy. I need to stay present and take situations as they come. I feel so different from everyone. I know for certain I’m not experiencing life the same as most people. I’m not really sure how I feel about that. Message to myself is I have things I need to work on: taking things day by day. It’ll all be okay some day. - - - -

image by Kielo (@on.a.journey.to.recovery) with caption : "You are so strong. You’ve gone through hell and you’re still here. You’re a fighter and I’m so proud of you for making i" - 1777317095164415443
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You are so strong. You’ve gone through hell and you’re still here. You’re a fighter and I’m so proud of you for making it through today. These statements apply to each one of you reading this post. I’ve been trying to tell myself reaffirming statements as well in order to push out the negative thoughts a bit. They’re often so automatic that I don’t realize I’m in that sort of thought process until it completely takes over. By implementing these reminders with myself, it’s a slow process, but I think it’s helping a bit to rid the negativity. It’s even more reassuring to have someone else point out your positive qualities. My therapist has been doing this for me on days where I come into a session and can barely make eye contact from shame. If there’s someone in your life that you feel comfortable asking, consider talking to them about if they’d help you with this. If they’re good at reading your body language and expressions, they’ll know exactly when you need positive affirmations. If you don’t have a person for whatever reason, please take it from me. You’re wonderful and I appreciate you! The fact that you took the time to read this is something I’m very grateful for. You didn’t have to spend your time reading, but thank you for doing so. Try making a list of your talents or hobbies you enjoy/ used to enjoy. If depression makes that difficult, think of some personality traits other people have complimented you for. Anything really that’s positive and you want to remind yourself of when negativity makes the world seem so gloomy. Fighting that negativity is something I’m working on. We can work through it together💪 - - - -

image by Kielo (@on.a.journey.to.recovery) with caption : "-Artist: @littlearthlings - 
I refer to the bouts of depression that I experience as waves. They crash and fall back jus" - 1776587667128146854
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-Artist: @littlearthlings - I refer to the bouts of depression that I experience as waves. They crash and fall back just like the waves in the ocean. I got hit by a serious wave last night after having minimal symptoms of depression for about a month. Personally depression has been more draining than anxiety and ptsd. I always end up asleep somewhere in my house where I swore I’d sit for a minute. I had therapy and I made a plan with my therapist about how to cope through the weekend if things get worse. I really don’t want to get overwhelmed with everything and end up relapsing in self harm. I’ve been doing really well with staying clean so I’m going to try with all my might to fight any urges that arise. I’m also going to try and go out with friends this weekend since I isolate WAY too much and it leaves me alone with my thoughts which never ends up well. My other idea is to unleash some creativity and just make something. It doesn’t have to be “good” because there’s no rules to art. Creating something always seems to help. I’m proud of myself for making it through this difficult day and coming out on top. If you’re struggling today, remember one day it will be better and you have that to look forward to. Be proud of yourself for the progress you’ve made even if it’s small, it’s something-like making it through today❤️ - - - -

image by Kielo (@on.a.journey.to.recovery) with caption : "Maya Angelou couldn’t be more right. Self image is a serious issue that most people with mental illness struggle with. I" - 1775845511710963722
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Maya Angelou couldn’t be more right. Self image is a serious issue that most people with mental illness struggle with. I personally have a tough time with depersonalization along with hating my body in general. It’s been very difficult to work on changing my thoughts when I can’t even register that the figure I’m seeing is me. If you have any advice on how to work on self image with depersonalization, I’d love to hear it. The only method I know of is suggested by my therapist: using grounding techniques as you look at yourself in the mirror to try and bring your consciousness back. When I’m actually feeling like I’m in my body, I still don’t feel comfortable with it. I probably have a distorted view of myself due to my past eating disorder, but I still hate my figure and I can’t ever get past that. This isn’t really something I have tips for you about since I’m still trying to work on it myself. If you have any advice though, it’s greatly appreciated. - - - -

image by Kielo (@on.a.journey.to.recovery) with caption : "If you follow other mental health accounts, this might sounds really cliché: You are not your illness. You and your illn" - 1775115730371618449
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If you follow other mental health accounts, this might sounds really cliché: You are not your illness. You and your illness(es) are separate, but together. You are not your illness, but your illness IS a part of you. Your illness does not determine your personality even though it may feel like it. You are not your symptoms either. Sometimes we feel like a mess so we then replace the word feel with “I am” which then becomes “I am a mess”. Personalizing our problems isn’t helpful for recovery and honestly makes things worse in the long run since it’s contributing to the negative thoughts that your illness is already telling you. When I shopped adding to the preexisting negative thoughts, I started to feel a bit better about myself. My whole image of myself has continued to improve since making this change. If you relate to this, I highly recommend trying to separate yourself from your symptoms. Your feelings aren’t who you are as a whole. You’re an exceptional human being with wonderful, unique qualities❤️ - - - -

image by Kielo (@on.a.journey.to.recovery) with caption : "/Picture originally from @thementalgladiator /
Trauma work is almost indescribably difficult. If your journey is anythin" - 1774450808096595917
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/Picture originally from @thementalgladiator / Trauma work is almost indescribably difficult. If your journey is anything like mine, you have to go through all of the fragments of memories that you can compile together and hope it unlocks a few repressed ones. At the same time, you also don’t want it to because then you’ll have more things to think, analyze, and panic about. Unfortunately even though this process is difficult, it’s also necessary for healing. Ive considered other types of therapy specifically for trauma like EMDR (eye movement desensitization reprocessing) therapy and trauma therapy. I met with a trauma therapist about 6 months ago for a consultation, but we didn’t click and I’ve been too scared to search for others in my area. My current therapist was going to be starting EMDR training this summer, but now the class has been moved back till this coming September and I’ll be leaving this therapist within the next few months so that won’t work. The only option I’ve had in my treatment so far is continuing with CBT therapy and hoping I don’t fall apart between sessions. None of this is easy and I know many of you are working through similar things that I am. It’s comforting to know that when I’m struggling, there’s other people who feel the same way and I’m not alone. One day we’ll heal and it will be wonderful. Until then, we can support each other. Please don’t be afraid to reach out if you need it❤️ - - - -

image by Kielo (@on.a.journey.to.recovery) with caption : "It has felt like anxiety took control of this entire day. I felt completely powerless and unable to rationalize anything" - 1773716775846895667
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It has felt like anxiety took control of this entire day. I felt completely powerless and unable to rationalize anything that anxiety told me. I used every coping mechanism that my therapist has taught me, but nothing seemed to help. Instead, I remembered how my therapist mentioned mindfulness and how anxiety is like a wave. The wave goes up and down just like that of an ocean. After it peak, it’s forced to fall back down. When applying that to anxiety, that feeling of uncomfortableness or complete fear like I was experiencing will eventually end. As I kept that in mind, I continued my breathing and grounding techniques. Within a few minutes, that wave of anxiety had passed and I could continue on with the situation I was in. I felt amazing because I had overcome something even if it was small. In a frantic state, I was able to let go of my fear enough to focus on the fact that these feelings would end. I applied this a few more times when anxiety became too difficult for regular coping and I’m really proud of myself. It’s these small victories that remind me of how far I’ve come in recovery! If you’re struggling with a tough bout of anxiety in the future, I totally recommend you try this mindfulness technique. - - - -